btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
