Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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