Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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