dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
