I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
