I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
