ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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