so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I need moral support for this bender
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
