the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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