my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
