Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
