hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
