He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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