please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
