Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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