I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
