I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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