We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
