Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
