You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.