She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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