I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
