there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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