Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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