He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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