What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
