He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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