So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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