Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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