Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
