a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
