Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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