I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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