I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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