Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
