11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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