Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
