it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
