In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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