dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night