I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Another day, another engagement, another cat
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?