I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.