My cat gives me a boner
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?