let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
