If i come over, it means nothing
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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