is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
