youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
