between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
