I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
