Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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