Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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