my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
