i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
