you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
