I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
