Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i now understand why vodka
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
