Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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