Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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