I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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