My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I deserve this hangover.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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