I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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