I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
